But what about Platonic Intimacy?
Why I'm ditching the idea of Soul Mates and dating my friends.
The One.
Soul Mate.
One True Love.
Happily Ever After.
How many of us grew up learning that this is the way the world works. This is the way love works.
Plato’s Symposium brought the world the notion of Soul Mates being two separated halves of once-united beings that were separated by Zeus in anger (a common occurrence). The mythology goes that we’re destined to spend our lives searching the globe for our missing “other half.”
And I used to believe that. I believed in a singular Soul Mate so fiercely, with every part of me.
I believed it when I doodled my fifth-grade boyfriend’s name in a heart on my hand with a blue ballpoint pen. I believed it years later when we reconnected after I moved away and I cheated on my tenth-grade boyfriend with him on the beach. (It was love. And raspberry vodka). I believed it every time a new boy swept me off my feet and whispered sweet nothings into my ear and I thought this could be The One. I believed it dancing to Crazy Love by Van Morrison, and I believed it hearing a song that was written just for me. I believed it through belly laughs and well-matched misfits, across cities and provinces, through endless hairstyles and way too much grief.
I believed in a singular Soul Mate enough to stay in situations oh so much longer than I maybe should have, under the guise of Unconditional Love and Happily Ever After.
But I’ve been so many different people over the course of my life, and every one of them could have a Soul Mate, an Other Half out there. Any number of decisions could have been made in the service of finding The One, and I almost made some very different choices. There may be many Me’s in many timelines living many Happily Ever Afters, but I live in this timeline. And I’m done searching for my One True Love — I’m greedy and I want Many Loves.
Because the people that stick around through all of it aren’t the romantic partners - no, the heartbreak and grief can be too great - but platonic ones. The friends who hold your hair after raspberry vodka, or stroke it after every gut-wrenching breakup, or shave it once a week when you’re done with it altogether. The ones who probably knew all along that [insert name here] wasn’t The One for you, but loved you enough to let you come to that realization on your own, no matter how difficult.
After my last breakup in August 2020, after 18 years of serial monogamy, after coming out as bisexual, I made a promise to myself to focus on other relationships. Myself. Family. Friendships. To explore platonic intimacy and learn how not to expect one person to be able to fulfill my every need. (I contain multitudes).
I stopped believing that there was my perfect Other Half a long time ago.
Why can’t the search for love be in the moments you share with friends over coffee or oysters or a walk in the park, collage afternoons, or sending memes back and forth?
Why can’t we find love in sharing a joint with a stranger or discovering a mutual love of thrifted corduroy?
Why isn’t it love when you’re at the nude beach with your besties and you start to bleed and they casually tell you there’s blood on your vulva so you can act accordingly?
Why do we expect one person to be our Everything, when people contain multitudes and need support from many different people?
I like to think of Soul Mates as people who speak to a certain aspect of your heart, your being, your reason for living. There isn’t one, but many that build a community of love and support around you. Rather than being your Other Half, they fit into your life by squeezing in between your toes, weaving around your fingers, settling in the small of your back, draping gently over your shoulders, supporting you through life’s bullshit. I want a Soul Mate cuddle puddle; everyone involved is necessary in creating the beautiful, safe space that allows you to truly let go and be yourself.
~
Platonic intimacy reminds us of the importance of chosen family, especially for queer folks.
Growing up, my family always made fun of me for wanting to hang out with my friends all the time. Like I thought they weren’t enough for me and I needed to escape to see friends instead of spending time with them.
Maybe on some level that was true - the same way I’m not cut out for a single partner - but my years of wisdom have given me a perspective I couldn’t have back then. And that’s that I was seeking common ground, chosen family, because I wanted so desperately to find people I related to. I didn’t know then that it’s because I was queer and trying to find someone or something that told me the world inside my head could be a reality. I just thought that monogamy, marriage and motherhood was the path for me because it’s what I knew, what was around me. I didn’t know there were other options.
So now it’s my mission to explore what platonic intimacy means to me, and how I can build a life of love where everyone in my life feels important and focused on, not just romantic partners. Which I don’t have, anyway. Not right now.
I think a lot of times the word intimacy is incorrectly associated with sex. We’ve been taught that to be intimate with someone is to be sexual with them, to give something of yourselves in service of the couple. And of course, sex is very intimate.
But intimacy is so much more than sex. It’s shared vulnerability and mutual safety. It’s holding your Soul Mate after their parent dies because you know nothing will take away their pain. It’s weekly dinners and keeping each other accountable and opening up about deepest fears. It’s coming out to family when it’s safe to do so and creating a dialogue that never existed before. It’s using the toilet in the same room or letting someone touch your hemorrhoid in the bath just for curiosity’s sake. It’s crying together or laughing together or going to nude beaches together. It’s getting angry and working it out and understanding that everyone is doing their best.
Intimacy is so much more than sex if you let it be. But real intimacy is also terrifying. It means letting people see you, the real you, and opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection. But oh, the possibilities on the other side of letting go, of letting vulnerability guide you, of exploring platonic intimacy.
~
What about sex, you say?
I know many people who can’t engage in sexual intimacy without romantic love, and there’s something incredibly unique and special about being intimate with someone you’re in love with. But what if sex was an activity just like any other - hiking, biking, knitting, playing video games - that you could share with friends who enjoy the same things that you do? Sex is oh-so-much more expansive than the penis-in-vagina heteronormative narrative we grow up learning. It’s a constant communication, an exchange of energy, a willingness to surrender to another person. Why should these incredible experiences be reserved for romantic partners only?
Now I’m not suggesting you go out and start fucking your friends. Friends with Benefits (or Friends Benny as my fuck buddy calls it) is not for everyone - just like monogamy, red meat, or washing your hair. It takes a lot of communication and checking in and staying on top of your feelings. Sometimes you catch feelings and it throws you for a loop. But I’d rather love and explore intimacy of all forms with all of the people I love than continue searching for one romantic partner who will inevitably crack under the pressure of trying to be The One.
I’m ready for The Many.
So my challenge to all of you is to look at the way platonic intimacy manifests in your life. Find ways to create intimacy with non-romantic partners or romance platonic pals in ways traditionally bestowed upon coupledom.
Date your friends.
Tell them you love them.
Take them out and flirt with them and tell them how much they mean to you.
Watch a movie or binge bad TV and snuggle on the couch.
Give each other back rubs, foot rubs, butt rubs.
Have sleepovers so you can wake up and wrap your arms around someone you love.
Keep searching for The One if you believe they’re out there, but don’t forget all of the people who stuck by your side along the way. Who love you no matter how many times you fuck up and aren’t afraid to give it to you straight.
Me, I’m ditching my search for one Soul Mate and dating my friends.
Good lord this one hit me in the feels… xo