Relationship Anarchy, Polyamory, Nonmonogamy, Oh My!
There are many meaningful relationship styles - one is not "better" than the next
As a Recovering Serial Monogamist and Former Cheater, being intentional about the relationships in my life is incredibly important to me. Honesty, transparency, and communication are essential for me to build trust and connection with someone, whatever the relationship looks like.
I’m learning to value different types of relationships and dynamics as I unlearn mononormative habits and am finding new ways to describe the relationships I want to have in my life.
I float around the notions of polyamory and relationship anarchy, though I know they can be practiced simultaneously. I think my main block when it comes to polyamory isn’t the notion of having many loves, because I do have many people I love, but the notion of having many romantic loves.
Where I struggle with polyamory is that I feel like it still puts romantic love on a pedestal. The deeper I get into nonmonogamous life, the more I question the notion of romantic love. Or at least, what it means to me and how we’ve been taught to perceive and prioritize it.
What draws me to relationship anarchy is the deconstruction of mononormativity and this compulsion to place a higher value on romantic love. As though that is the thing to aspire to. I have some very powerful non-romantic love in my life and I aspire to more of that.
More of kissing your friends and telling them you love them and letting them hold you when you’re sad. More of giving and receiving care because we want to and can, not because we feel obligated to. More of holding hands and sharing fears and hopes and dreams and doing laundry together and cooking dinner together and walking dogs together and watching shows together and navigating hard times together.
This is not to say that practicing these different relationship styles is easy. It’s not. Monogamy isn’t easy either we’ve just been conditioned by society to accept the struggles as part of the process.
Humans are messy.
Relationships are hard.
Being a person is hard.
It’s a lot of pressure to put all of your physical, emotional, sexual, financial and other needs onto one person’s plate of responsibility!
That’s why I like the relationship anarchy smörgåsbord. The idea of filling your plate in collaboration with different people, different needs, different structures makes sense to me.
If you’re curious about how this can apply to you if you’re monogamous, Multiamory has a great episode on monogamy and relationship anarchy.
There are infinite ways to organize your relationships and many ways to prioritize everyone’s needs at any given time. Sex can be part of any dynamic, not just a romantic one, and dating is for platonic pals too, not just someone you want to get sexy with.
Here’s a look at some of the relationship dynamics I’ve experienced.
Fartner
A fartner lies somewhere in the ether of “friend” and “partner.” I wish I could take credit for the term but I heard it on an episode of the podcast Multiamory and have really run with it in recent months.
A fartnership can be anything the people within it want it to be and decide it can be. Maybe you have keys to each other’s place and are each other’s emergency contact and have occasional but amazing sex and are constantly farting, among other things. Is there romance involved? There could be, but the love doesn’t equal romance. Maybe it looks different all the time and that’s the beauty of the fartner.
I have also used the term “Sextie” for this relationship, as in sex-bestie, or anchor partner. Different descriptions for different times. Relationships evolve.
Threesome
A fun, challenging, and did I mention fun dynamic? Especially when everyone communicates and sets boundaries. Of course it can be sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be between pals too.
I do love hanging with couples, getting a peek into someone else’s relationship, seeing how they are with each other, observing their small intimacies as they go about their everyday life. These connections can be platonic or sexual or otherwise, and I’m always privileged to be let into a life, a relationship in any way.
Fourgy
A new dynamic, but one I am curious to delve into. A group of four, everyone is free to explore any variation of connection that feels good and it’s especially fun when that all happens in the same room. It’s evolving and exciting and sexual but not sexual and supportive and comfy.
There’s a lot to navigate the more people and feelings and insecurities you add to the table. But every moment is a learning experience. Every mistake is an evolution in how you show care.
Plus, I have a bit of a kink for seeing or hearing about someone I love bring pleasure to someone else, so when it does swing sexual it’s incredibly hot.
Fuck Buddy
Because sometimes you just need a fellow pervert who wants to talk about and do perverted things. Or a buddy who enjoys sex as an activity between friends because let’s be honest that’s what it can be. Or someone you can go to the nude beach with and laugh at how a penis floats in the water. Or someone who you can text “sup” to and know you’ll get a response.
Months can go by without seeing them but the intention is clear and it doesn’t have to go beyond that. But if it does that’s also cool.
Dating
This is an interesting one for me, because I never really “dated” in the sense of dating multiple people until I started practicing nonmonogamy in 2020. I just slept with fellow staff at restaurants I worked at until we slid into long-term relationships. One, after the other, after the other.
The only dating app I’ve ever really used (aside from a stint on Bumble where I met two of my now-dearest pals) is Feeld, “A place for the open-minded to meet the like-minded.” You see lots of polyamorous, non-monogamous, kinky, queer, sex-positive folks just looking to meet others with similar interests. I’ve met some truly special people on the app that fall into all of these relationship dynamics.
Sure, dating can be a means to an end for folks looking to “settle down,” but to me it’s not about the destination. Going out for a drink, to the art gallery, to a show, for a walk in the park - all of these are dates and none of them have to end in anything but it’s nice when they end with a kiss or a cute makeout.
But dates aren’t just for people you have a romantic or sexual interest in - dates are for everyone. I’ve talked before about ditching the idea of soul mates and dating my friends, and I think this is where the concept of relationship anarchy really speaks to me. Why do we reserve “dates” for romantic interests only?
There’s something about the nervous flutter you get going on a date, whether it’s the first one or the ninth one, choosing an outfit and getting ready and anticipating togetherness. Taking it slow and stretching out the getting-to-know-you is as sweet as a Cinnabon mini roll enjoyed without the potential for regret the classic size brings.
Queerplatonic
An emotional connection between queer folks that isn’t romantic or sexual, but deeply meaningful.
For me, this dynamic is rooted in a divergence from heteronormative cultural norms and personally, these kinships have encouraged me to embrace my own queerness in a way that feels safe and comfortable.
Platonic
I’ve never really understood why romantic connections were seen as so much more important than platonic ones. Amatonormativity, the notion that everyone must want and benefit from being in a romantic relationship, ignores the often foundational roles that platonic bonds have in our lives.
Some of my most treasured and long-running relationships are platonic pals who’ve been there through All Of The Things, or who tell it to you straight when shit is hitting the fan, or who you can get together with after years and it’s like no time has passed.
Sure, we may not share finances or cohabitate or have sex, but we provide care for each other sometimes in ways romantic bonds cannot.
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Relationships are weird and hard and evolving at the end of the day we’re all just doing our best to show the people we love that we love them, whatever that looks like for us.
Do you have experience with any of these dynamics?